• The Twenty Minuters vs Catford Cyphers
• Dundonald Park
• 21st May 2005
• Toss: Catford
• Result: Won by 37 runs
• Man of the Match: TBA

Match Summary

It is said there is no greater place to be on a squally spring day than Bapaume, 'the Bappa', the atmospheric corner of south-west London that is acting as the Twenty Minuters' home ground until SCCC's lease on the Oval expires. Evidently, our 11 fine young gentlemen felt likewise, as for the first time in Twenties' history, they had arrived at the ground before the opposing team. Imagining this to be some form of omen, BWOP® strode out onto the sward, surveying the field settings proprietarily. After all, this was the first home game of the Twenties' third season, and they had every right to believe they had garnered a keen sense of the playing conditions.

All too inevitably, things did not turn out quite that way. Mohammed opened with a full toss, throwing MMS's battle plans into chaos, as well as his stumps. Despite remedying the situation with a high head and a determined stride off the park, it was not the most auspicious of beginnings. Surprisingly, this was the Twenty Minuters' first ever diamond duck. One for the stats team out there.

Matters did not improve much with the cheap loss of three old hands, all undone by their own frustrations with the nagging line of the opening pair. This being an early-season match, the preponderance of dismissals by leg-before or by loss of stumps suggested that Groom, Greayer and Lloyd-Baker had not quite found their correct positions in the crease.

As so often over the seasons, Elwes and Stevens rescued the situation somewhat with some clinical treatment of the mid-innings pie. Stevens, disappointingly swiftly followed by Clark, were undone by the 'snake in the grass' — a second-change bowler who could actually land it on the pitch, on line and at pace. This disconcerted our top biffers, Elwes and Cannon, to such a degree that they both gave away their wickets trying to force the issue at the other end.

The tail-order innings were notable only for the encouraging debut from J Blenkin, a thoroughly commendable but tactically naïve game of "after you, sir" in the middle of the pitch between Blenkin and W Scott, resulting in the latter's run-out, and a traditional swish n' nick outside off stump from Curtis. The bounteous extras column saving the Twenties from calumny, there was slight optimism as the fielding side marched in from the wind and rain for their tea.

Their tea.... Oh, the tea! Shocked whispers ran through the camp — there were no butlers or mothers to be seen, meaning — gah! — our boys had to enter the kitchen unchaperoned, and quick smart too. With the kettle acting the giddy goat, pans of all shapes and sizes were rustled up to prepare hot beverages for our soaked opponents. A hurried repast was thrown together, as the dulled, moribund visages of Team Catford gazed on.

...

Full of belly, all thanks to Fix Sec's fine assortment of snacks and sandwiches, the team took to the green with fire in their hearts and cricket on the brain. Catford were evidently unhinged by such unexpected ardour, as Scott and Curtis took it to the man and ripped the heart out of their innings. Catford crumbled to 26-4, as the cherry bobbed and startled all over the strip.

In fact, the opening spells were merely the hors d'oeuvres before the main meat of the bowling feast, as Cannon and Blenkin kept it startlingly there-or-thereabouts throughout their overs, the strangling line and length giving our callow opponents no chance at all. Again, special mention must be made of the eternally unlucky Cannon, who bowled his typical fiery spell with no bail-scattering reward. This is markedly different to the debutant's experience, whose height, Brontean mane and ripper's grip bamboozled the middle order (the ringer excepted), ending with the ego-inflating figures of 7.1-3-9-3.

Only some ordinary bowling from the two stalwarts Elwes and Stevens, and some frantic swinging at the close, with the tail-enders connecting miraculously with Lloyd-Baker's experimental drifters, prevented the game from being utterly one-sided. But all good things must; Stevens boinked the pads of the humourless Ahmed to wrap up the Catford innings, and usher in the victory celebrations.

As the Catford troupe trooped off sullenly, the Twenties boys headed off for the transport hub of south Earlsfield to celebrate their opening victory of the season, commemorating the occasion by consuming vast amounts of overpriced lager surrounded by south London riff raff.

I beg your pardon, they commemorated the occasion by enjoying a convivial evening amongst joyous, affluent young professionals, full of the joys of spring and, naturally, cricket.